Warning: This story contains a lot of profanity. It is, mildly put, inappropriate. I apologize in advance.
Have you ever heard of the beautiful planet called Whales? No? Then sit your sexy ass down, and I’ll tell you all about it.
Whales was a planet approximately 456 bajillion kilometers from planet earth. It consistsed only of water, and was only inhabited by whale-like creatures. Of course, they were not actually whales, because, as everyone knows, whales only exist on Earth and Falula 4. One of the six major countries on Whales was called Belugaria, which is smaller than the US, but has less of an obesity problem. Everyone in Belugaria was sexual as fuck, and wanted to bang constantly. They also only loved to refer to sexual intercourse as banging. They were not a classy people.
Throughout history, every creature of Belugaria had always been pansexual, and they had always been born with a different color. Whenever they banged someone, a small part of them became their sexual partner’s color. This, combined with the fact that they were horny constantly, led to all of them eventually turning rainbow-colored, with slight variations, of course. Interestingly enough, this is what inspired the Pride-flag on Earth. However, do not confront the makers of the Pride-flag about this. They will get angry. Also, they’re dead.
As you can imagine, the creatures of Belugaria were quite set in their ways, and were used to little variation in their lifestyle. Throughout history, they had always been able to rely on a common ground with their peers, namely colors and sex. Then one day, without any warning, there was an event that would change everything. That event was the birth of Frank.
When Frank was born, everyone in the room was left flabbergasted. They had expected a burst of color to come out of his mother’s nether regions, but instead, they were met with the total absence of color. Frank was white. Within the first week, Frank’s immediate family realized that this lack of color was due to a complete lack of sexual interest. Not only was Frank the first white whale; he was also the first asexual being on the entire planet of Whales. Everyone was disgusted that he didn’t love fucking everything that moved, and therefore, Frank always felt left out. However, since he had much more time on his hands than the rest of the population, he ended up becoming ridiculously smart. So smart, in fact, that he made a ship with which he could travel into space.
With this amazing, new ship, he decided to do something no one from his planet had ever done before. He travelled to distant planets and laughed at how primitive and dumb they were. All he did was go there, say “Whale, whale, whale… Look at you, being all primitive and dumb”, and then leave. After he had done this for a while, he got to a beautiful, but particularly stupid planet, called Earth. Before he could even finish his smug sentence, someone had set fire to his spaceship, and it had burned to the ground. You see, Frank had built his spaceship to look like the most beautiful thing he know, namely a blunt. Of course, it was about ten meters tall, but this was more of a challenge than a problem to the stoners he met in rural America. And so, without a ship to travel on with, Frank decided to stay on planet Earth, in the serene and disgustingly filthy oceans.
One day, after Frank had spent a couple of years on Earth, he arrived at a city called Hammerfest, on the coast of Norway. He enjoyed meeting all the new people there, and some of them even pet him and hugged him. Much to his surprise, he found that he appreciated these gestures of kindness, especially considering that only a few of them were fueled by sexual desire. He planned to stay there forever, and live out his days with this kind and generous people.
Then they went and named him Hvaldimir, when his name was clearly Frank. I mean, look at his face.
Look at it.
How is this dude not a Frank. I mean.
You can even see the disappointment in his face.
Frank went on to leave Hammerfest, and lived happily and sexlessly ever after.