All is whale that ends whale

Warning: This story contains a lot of profanity. It is, mildly put, inappropriate. I apologize in advance.

Have you ever heard of the beautiful planet called Whales? No? Then sit your sexy ass down, and I’ll tell you all about it.

Whales was a planet approximately 456 bajillion kilometers from planet earth. It consistsed only of water, and was only inhabited by whale-like creatures. Of course, they were not actually whales, because, as everyone knows, whales only exist on Earth and Falula 4. One of the six major countries on Whales was called Belugaria, which is smaller than the US, but has less of an obesity problem. Everyone in Belugaria was sexual as fuck, and wanted to bang constantly. They also only loved to refer to sexual intercourse as banging. They were not a classy people.

Throughout history, every creature of Belugaria had always been pansexual, and they had always been born with a different color. Whenever they banged someone, a small part of them became their sexual partner’s color. This, combined with the fact that they were horny constantly, led to all of them eventually turning rainbow-colored, with slight variations, of course. Interestingly enough, this is what inspired the Pride-flag on Earth. However, do not confront the makers of the Pride-flag about this. They will get angry. Also, they’re dead.

As you can imagine, the creatures of Belugaria were quite set in their ways, and were used to little variation in their lifestyle. Throughout history, they had always been able to rely on a common ground with their peers, namely colors and sex. Then one day, without any warning, there was an event that would change everything. That event was the birth of Frank.

When Frank was born, everyone in the room was left flabbergasted. They had expected a burst of color to come out of his mother’s nether regions, but instead, they were met with the total absence of color. Frank was white. Within the first week, Frank’s immediate family realized that this lack of color was due to a complete lack of sexual interest. Not only was Frank the first white whale; he was also the first asexual being on the entire planet of Whales. Everyone was disgusted that he didn’t love fucking everything that moved, and therefore, Frank always felt left out. However, since he had much more time on his hands than the rest of the population, he ended up becoming ridiculously smart. So smart, in fact, that he made a ship with which he could travel into space.

With this amazing, new ship, he decided to do something no one from his planet had ever done before. He travelled to distant planets and laughed at how primitive and dumb they were. All he did was go there, say “Whale, whale, whale… Look at you, being all primitive and dumb”, and then leave. After he had done this for a while, he got to a beautiful, but particularly stupid planet, called Earth. Before he could even finish his smug sentence, someone had set fire to his spaceship, and it had burned to the ground. You see, Frank had built his spaceship to look like the most beautiful thing he know, namely a blunt. Of course, it was about ten meters tall, but this was more of a challenge than a problem to the stoners he met in rural America. And so, without a ship to travel on with, Frank decided to stay on planet Earth, in the serene and disgustingly filthy oceans.

 One day, after Frank had spent a couple of years on Earth, he arrived at a city called Hammerfest, on the coast of Norway. He enjoyed meeting all the new people there, and some of them even pet him and hugged him. Much to his surprise, he found that he appreciated these gestures of kindness, especially considering that only a few of them were fueled by sexual desire. He planned to stay there forever, and live out his days with this kind and generous people.

Then they went and named him Hvaldimir, when his name was clearly Frank. I mean, look at his face.

Frank

Look at it.

Frank1

How is this dude not a Frank. I mean.

frank1-e1571153852217.jpg

You can even see the disappointment in his face.

Frank went on to leave Hammerfest, and lived happily and sexlessly ever after.

THE END.

The long awaited origin story of Cloyd, the Cow Man

Like most people, you have probably heard of Cloyd, the Cow Man. In fact, it was probably one of the first stories you heard as a child. So many children grow up with this amazing role model: a hero above any other hero, fearlessly protecting the earth from petty crime. He might be a man, but God, he is also so much more. He is also a cow.

You might feel like you already know Cloyd, but people still long for the story that started it all. Why did this brave being come to our planet? Where did it come from? Why in the world did it choose the name Cloyd? These are all questions that have remained mysteries for many years. But now, finally, they will be answered.

Contrary to popular belief, Cloyd the Cow Man is not from outer space. He was born in Philadelphia, to a normal family. As proven by Science™, only seven normal families have existed in the last 100 years, and Cloyd’s happened to be one of them. Although he grew up in the city, he had an unexplained fascination with rural areas. Every Christmas he wished for rural squirrels, rural brewery tours, rural cavalry action figures, pictures of rural ferns in February, and a PlayStation.

Cloyd’s taste in cuisine also came from his love of the rural lifestyle, and he always told people that milk was his favorite food. Jam was his favorite drink, but he was less vocal about this preference, as he considered it to be too basic. As most children, Cloyd spent his first years getting most of his nutrition from milk. Of course, this was mainly camel milk, and he spent his youth expanding his taste to include goat, horse, sheep, spider, and cow milk.

One day, Cloyd was out on the town, eating his daily Philly steak dipped in milk. This was usually a wonderful combination, but on this particular day, something new happened. The combination of cheese and milk led to an excess of dairy, and Cloyd was spontaneously infected with mad cow disease. As you can imagine, this caused quite a shock in Cloyd’s body, which caused him to momentarily lose balance, and fall into a lake right next to an active radio station. This, of course, caused the mad cow disease to become radioactive, which led to a mutation in Cloyd’s cells. It also knocked him out for approximately 2 minutes and 16.5 seconds, which was exactly the amount of time needed for him to have a conversation with the two-headed cow genie.

As you surely know, the two-headed cow genie spends its time granting wishes to people who are unconscious for between 2 minutes and 2 minutes and 20 seconds. It also caters exclusively to people who would list “taking walks on the beach” as a favorite past-time, and whose taste in music is “everything except country”. Luckily, all of these conditions fit perfectly with Cloyd, and his non-existent personality, so the two-headed cow genie appeared to Cloyd, and announced it would grant him one wish.

“Before you choose something idiotic,” the genie said, “I must warn you that I have some information about your future. As you may have suspected, the amount of dairy you ingested a few minutes ago, combined with the fall into the lake next to the active radio station, has led to a mutated mad cow disease.” Of course, Cloyd had suspected this, and asked the genie to proceed. It then explained that this disease would make Cloyd a superior being. He would spend most of his time as a man, but would be able to transform, whenever he wanted, into some sort of cattle. However, since cattle should grammatically only be used in the plural form, Cloyd had to decide whether to turn into a cow or ox. Normally this would be assigned randomly, but in this instance, Cloyd could use his wish to choose his fate; That is, if he didn’t want to wish for a PlayStation.

As it happens, this was an issue that Cloyd cared a great deal about. You see, he enjoyed being of the male gender, but was not a fan of any hostility or violence. He didn’t want to be put in a situation where he was expected to fight anything, or be poked with a stick, or be ridden like some sort of animal. However, he could certainly imagine a life as a sweet, gentle, slightly fat cow. The two-headed genie granted his wish, and turned Cloyd into the Cow Man we all know and love today.

Every once in a while we should ask ourselves: “Where would we be without the Cow Man, who does so much for our community? What would happen to us if we couldn’t milk him on the street on a hot day? How tired would we be if we couldn’t ride him home, even though it takes him a few hours, cause he is definitely more than slightly fat? How much more crime would there be, if Cloyd the Cow Man wasn’t there, silently standing in the corner in mob meetings like the snitch he is, hoping not to get noticed, but always does anyway, cause let’s face it, he’s a cow?” I do not know the answers to these questions, and I hope I never have to find out.

The ordinary donkey:A random story with no purpose.

You may be asking yourself: how is this a life hack? It really is not, but to be fair, nothing else on this blog is either. This blog is completely purposeless, which makes this story fit right in. Don’t be a wanker. Here’s the story.

Once upon a time, a completely regular donkey lived in an enchanted forrest. The trees were purple, the bees could sing, there were giant lady bugs and tiny elephants, but the donkey remained regular and boring. He couldn’t talk, he couldn’t dance, he couldn’t even run very fast. The only thing special about the donkey was his peculiar normality in such an interesting place.

One day the donkey decided that he would do something about his situation. He wanted to be special. He left his normal house, his normal family, and his normal street, and went to find a fairy that could help him. Of course, the donkey couldn’t read, given his lack of special skills, and could therefore only walk around the forrest in a desperate attempt to randomly bump into such a fairy.

After an uncertain amount of time, considering that the donkey had no time-telling abilities, he finally met a fairy that could help him. He was just about to ask her for some special skills, when he realized that he couldn’t talk. Mad with frustration, the donkey kicked the fairy in the face. The fairy, quite fairly, thought this was quite rude, and told the donkey: «Don’t be such an ass!» Coincidentally, this was exactly what the donkey had intended, and ended up being turned into a horse instead.

Unfortunately, he turned into a completely ordinary horse.

Othello: A modern-day analysis

PSA: To make this post child-friendly (as I assume many children are reading this), the word “f*ck” will be replaced by “fondulicious” and the word “d*ck” will be replaced by “dollface”. Alright, let’s begin.

EVERYONE IS A FONDULICIOUS DOLLFACE AND IT’S HORRIBLE WHY DID THEY FONDULICKING MAKE ME READ THIS IT’S SO FONDULICKING DEPRESSING FOR FONUDLICIOUS’S SAKE. DOLLFACES.

This has been a modern-day analysis of Othello. Please cite this post if you use any quotes from it. It took me a long time.

Procrastination!

Are you supposed to be doing school work? Maybe you have a super-important paper due. Or even a bachelor’s thesis. Well, pay attention, cause I will make your life much easier…

Blow it off!

There are so many other important thing to do! Here’s a short list of more urgent things to take care of before getting back to work:

  • Delete embarrassing YouTube videos of yourself.
  • Get annoyed that you have several YouTube users, and that you only remeber one password.
  • Accept the fact that you cannot delete all embarrassing videos, and start dreading the moment your future students will find a video of you riding a Dumbo at Walmart.
  • Find old embarrassing blogs you’ve created.
  • Try to delete said blogs, and again realize you do not remeber the password.
  • Cry.
  • Find a blog you actually aren’t embarrassed over.
  • Write a new post. It’s been two years since last time, so this is certainly more important than a stupid bachelor’s thesis.
  • Write a poem about how you feel about an important event in your life. Sample:

Such a beautiful soul

With talent and grace

Played an important role

Solved every case

I miss you already

I might be a fanatic

We’ll have to get ready

To say goodbye to Stana Katic

  • Realize you’ve wasted an hour of your life.
  • Time for lunch.

 

Lipstain!

Attention: This post is only for girls. And boys who wear make-up. Well, I guess you don’t have to wear it a lot, maybe you just want to try it on, see how it feels. I guess animals technically can wear lipstain and chapsick too. And rocks. In my opinion, rocks should always wear something on their lips. I’m sorry for discriminating, anyone can read this post. 

Have you ever lost the cap to your lipstain? Well I recently did, and it was traumatizing. But then, I had an excellent idea! I just stole my friend’s cap! 

At this point, I thought the problem was solved, but then my friend discovered that suddenly, she had lost one of her caps.

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I, of course, was deeply saddened by this. Luckily, we found a great solution to this too! Simply wrap an old gum wrapper around the top!

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Works like a charm!

Hello!

Have you ever heard about life hacks? Well this is the same thing, only better. And life is spelled with a y. Because “I” was taken. The “I” in “life, that is. I am not taken. Nope. Completely alone.

🙂

First tip: If the address/ name you want for a website is taken, spell it in a weird way that no one understands! I know it looks dumb, but at least you didn’t have to be creative and make up something yourself.